The World of the Wealthy Woofers, or, How the Other Half Barks!

"Anyone who lives within her means suffers from a lack of imagination." 

So said Oscar Wilde, and while we have no evidence whatsoever that he was talking about pets, we have no evidence whatsoever that he wasn’t, and that’s a) good enough for us, and b) set us thinking about what it means to live within your means if you have unlimited means…

…the short answer is that we have no idea, but a seventy-three-word paragraph isn’t a column and in any event, rank speculation is the sine qua non of the opinion columnist and this opinion columnist is no exception (another sine qua non: the occasional casual drop of a Latin phrase, ☑️ (note the tasteful choice of monotone emoji in this sidebar, yet another sine qua noooooohhhkay, yes, we'll stop)). It is with this condition in mind that we launch into an entirely speculative exploration of The World of the Wealthy Woofers, or, How the Other Half Barks; let us begin:

Cuisine 

There is no question that dogs have always been laser focused on food. Take for instance, the late, great Lucy the Dachshund who could travel faster than a speeding bullet to retrieve a dropped french fry and who once stole a miniature taco from my hand, diverting it from its original destination - my mouth - to her own; sidebar two: this earned Lucy applause from the assembled diners and a free order of miniature tacos which she declined to share. But that was 2014, and ten years later in 2024, dogs rarely have to work that hard for high end food; and once you’ve tasted the best, well, you know!

A meander around the Canine Internet Multiverse revealed $80-for-6 dog macarons, $20 single-serving pooch pasta pots, and, most eye-watering of all, $318 yak cheese chews. YAKS! WE MEAN YIKES! WAIT, WHY NOT BOTH?!?

Happily, there is a very happy solution to the stellar selection and it is this: subscribe and save! WHOOP! Look no further than our range of delectable dogs’ dinners and spiffy suppers with an equally delicious discount when you sign up for regular deliveries (choose from 2, 4, or 6 week schedules; paws anytime you need to). Whisper it, but affordable never tasted so expensive  🤐🤫😉 As always, we’ve got you!

Accommodation 

Having feasted in fine style, the dog of leisure will naturally need to retire for a not-at-all-hard-earned nap and once again, the internet did not disappoint, and nor did a whistle-stop tour of the finest boutiques Madison Avenue has to offer (your columinust is DILIGENT when it comes to research, but note to self: leave credit card at home next time). Ladies and gentlemen, we live in the age of the $7500 dog bed. Now I suppose it should stand to reason when the average price of a home in our great country is over $400,000 (rising to a whopping $900,000 in Hawaii), but still, it seems that reason has left the room and taken rhyme with it. In order to understand this situation a little more, we did some digging; perhaps, like human beds, there is a world of technology and R&D going into these dog dozers? Ladies and gentlemen, there is not; however there very much is a world of over-elocuted nonsense. It’s rare that I would criticize fellow writers’ copy, but I cannot let this slide (though I have obscured the brand for dignity’s sake):  

“The +*%@#!/ universe expands to include a selection of accessories for household animals. Each piece encompasses the joy and companionship that stems from the unique relationships between pets and people. A reimagination of the everyday, this pet bed is presented in beige and blue *$^#@!-#&* print fabric - $7500”

In a world of “reimagination”, we say why not be a really great pet parent and choose a dog bed that actually does use the finest technology and R&D to a create top-notch orthopedic mattress,  made not only to target pressure points but also to keep your furry friend cool via a gel-infused memory foam layer and a body-heat-regulating removable leather cover. Honestly, there is nothing we don’t love about Le Dog’s grained leather beds which come in two sizes and three shades - cognac, chocolate, and black - and are the chicest beds we’ve seen, and we’ve seen A LOT of beds in the course of column research. We have written to them requesting a human sized version and eagerly await their reply. 

Travel

We’ve mentioned before that one of us has British roots, and the sole reason for mentioning it again is the destination at which we have arrived on our whistle stop tour of high-end houndery: travel. In April 2024, with some fanfare and SOME airfare, Bark Air, the world’s first dog-first airline launched. With New York - London flights at $8k one way, the cost is somewhat fur-raising, but a human may accompany her pet for free and honestly, it sounds both barking mad* and the mutt’s nuts.** Having been served their meals — and asked to stow away their toys — before the flight takes off “to avoid potential territorial disputes”, the dogs settle down for the flight with blankets covered with pheromones for extra comfort. Awwww. 

They can even have an in-air spa (spaw?) treatment, and, in the word’s of the airline’s founder, “the dogs calm everyone down, they wander around, they take someone’s seat,” he said. “A strange dog, like, not your dog, would wander up, sit on the couch next to you, put her head in your lap, and you think, ‘Oh, this is SO GREAT’, adding, “I don’t know why I’m surprised by this, but the dogs made it magical.””

That same founder happily acknowledged that the prices are far beyond the reach of pretty much everyone not named Bezos, Musk, or Gates, but we are here to remind our pack that the joy of travel is available to all dogs and we are literally here, there, and everywhere for it. 

There is no joy greater than taking a vacation with your pack, and it can be done for far, far less than $16k a trip. We have literally everything you need for hikes, camping, beach trips, days out, nights out, and other types of trips that we haven’t yet thought of but for yet we are TOTALLY prepared. Assuming that the majority of us are traveling by road, here are some of our most popular travel items, of which there are so many that there is a part two of our most popular travel items, and that is here. You’ll find harnesses, water bottles, travel beds, backpacks, seatbelts, travel bowels, hiking leashes, and even heat-proof hiking boots to protect paws from hot surfaces. Whoop! 

Attire

Although we took a deep dive into Canine Style in our January issue, it seams that fashion never sleeps and accordingly, neither does our fashion coverage. At the absurd end, you can find a crystal studded harness for $1100, a hand embroidered cashmere vest for $200, and any number of designer dog collars which mimic the purses which make the dollar collars seem Very Reasonably Priced which is kind of sneaky, yes, but smart. Having inspected what New York City has to offer - again, just doing the research - we can say with complete confidence that King Dukes leaves Madison Avenue in the dust. Where else could you find a python ring, a madras tie, a floral bandana, and a leather poop purse in the same place? NOWHERE. Whether you are looking for classics or seasonal styles, we have totally got you. 

So back to that Oscar Wilde quote:

“Anyone who lives within her means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

Well, Oscar, I’m afraid we have to disagree, politely, but firmly. It seems to us that simply spending as much money as possible on stuff is one of the least imaginative things we can imagine. We knew this, but the best things in life - and we think the love of a pet is the best thing in life - are free, and the rest need not cost a small fortune. That said, we would TOTALLY ride Bark Air. TOTALLY. Until next month, pack, that’s a reasonably-priced wrap!

*Barking mad is British for totally nuts.

**The mutt’s nuts is British for totally brilliant. Bark Air is both.